you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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