god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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