Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
