I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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