I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
