no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just puked most of my soul out..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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