his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
