I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
