I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
