Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
