Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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