hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
