my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
