Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
