Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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