my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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