Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
