i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we're making bets on your personal life
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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