remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
