that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
