I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I need moral support for this bender
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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