You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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