True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
