did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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