so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
