i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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