Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
