if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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