I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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