Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
