dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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