Non-Jews are for practice
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
