Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
