exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
