My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He better not be in your backpack
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
