I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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