Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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