We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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