Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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