Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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