we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
