New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
