I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
