My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
