And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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