my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
