I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
