Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I understand Curling. That high.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
