I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
