If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
