I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
