I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
